Growing sucks sometimes.....

Well, today I want to let it all hang out....go figure....highly unlike me heh? Anyway, about my children, ALL of them..from grands to daughters to sons.....I miss them. ALL. Always. Everyday. When I visit my friend Cindy and she has the privilege of keeping her grandson everyday, to the daughters and mothers who came to the shop yesterday in preparation for their prom, to the daydreams I have about shopping with daughtersinlaws and having a leisurely conversation over a cup of coffee with my sons,  I freakin miss my family!

I can allow myself to get bitter, which I have done(doesn't work by the way) over the fact that BOTH my parents and Ricks were blessed(sometimes I hate that word, this is a time) to actually have been in the same city as their grandchildren and were privileged to be able to participate in their lives and that I am NOT "blessed" in the same way. OR, I can cry through the pain that occurs each and every time I leave them and come home, and re-enter and make my own life, which I have done. I have gotten a part time job, volunteer at hospice and draw dying people, go to my therapist, and party with neighbors and friends. This helps draw my attention away from the fact I miss my kids, but like everything else in this world that we use to numb the pain of life, it only has a temporary effect. The thoughts come and go, linger sometimes, but life goes on...oh blah de, oh blah da.....we do the best we can with what we have. The DREAM I have of EVER living close to my children seems to fade with time and circumstance. Denver...we fluctuate....we want to be near our children so badly that there  are times we are willing to sacrifice our marriage and all we have worked HARD over these last 10 year to accomplish relationally to eachother, to actually move there and allow Rick, a workaholic, to throw himself into the lions den of corporate. Like having an alcoholic have his dream job behind a bar! But there are times, we know it would not be right to sacrifice the great things we have accomplished in our relationship for anything or anyone....and THAT my dear children, is the heartbreak....it seems, at least at this point, we are not able to have our cake (our relationship) and eat it to (be in denver). Sucks. Stinks. But ahhhh...such is life!

I want to "air" these thoughts, because I think until it happens to you, you have NO IDEA of what it is like....for any circumstance in life....to loose a job, a child, a spouse, a home, a friend, none of us can know until it happens to us, what the true pain would be. We can empathize but not fully realize until we experience it in our souls. I try not to whine about this fact of heart, but I think because I don't, sometimes others just think that it really doesn't bother me, when in fact just the opposite is true....I don't whine to my children because I want NO guilt trips. I don't whine to my friends because that is annoying. I don't whine to Rick because he can not do anything about it. I whine to God...my tears, my torn heart, my insane dreams, He hears it all....and that is enough....even here, in this forum, I could let go much more, but what good would it accomplish to do so....fact is, I miss my children like a man coming from war wounded, misses his limb....I too am a veteran....a veteran mother...fought a good fight for my children...lost a limb ( or or 10) in the process, but would not change one single thing about loosing them....the phantom limb left behind is sometimes painful, but like a soldier, I am proud of my kids and who they are and what all they ALL have accomplished, girls, you too.....and would do it all over the same way....ya know why?!! Because none of my boys are mommas boys....they don't have wives who have to fight for their attention over their mother in law....who have to stand back while thier mother in law does as she pleases in their lives or their homes....their wives don't have to be annoyed at my presence....because I LET THEM GO...encouraged them to do so....because I knew the damage first hand, of NOT doing so....I lived it and didn't want that for my sons or their beautiful wives....they are their own family....and I am proud of them all....but never forget the fact, that underneath all the pride, there is a pain...I am willing to live with .....for myself and Rick that we can be who we need to be....and for my children, for them to be who they need to be....growing....sucks sometimes......

p.s. the above stated fact "not mommas boys", does NOT, I repeat, DOES NOT mean those boys are perfect....far from it, as are we all, but mommas boys does NOT describe them...other words, perhaps ( i won't say them here!), but not M.B's!!!