In My Wonderful Life

Great song with a great movie. Says a lot about the past 8 months of my life. Merry? Happy? Well, it IS Christmas and merry and happy are like the interest rates...adjustable. But God IS great and God IS good and I am thanking Him for another day and another chance to live this life to the fullest I can manage. Some days take more effort than others, but it ALL takes paying attention to my life...one day at a time....it can, however, be a wonderful one. Merry Christmas.....

check it out

http://www.tulsaworld.com/news/article.aspx?articleID=20081123_206_A13_Mytwod112434

then check out MY dog on my phoneybaloney!!! my dog......

Say

Don't wait for a bucket list....do it now...do it today....do it forever....don't stop....life IS too short and love is waiting to be spoken....for you.....for the ones you love....Life is waiting ....get er done. 

HOME

What IS "home"? What does it mean? To you? To others? To me? It was good to get back "home" from Denver and our visit with kids and grands (which by the way ARE). However, coming home, I began to question just exactly what it is, this place we call "home". Is it a structure? A feeling? Is your "home" built around memories?  Is it truly where your heart is? Or is it just another word we so easily throw around and don't really understand or comprehend? In the last 6 months, I have lived in 3 separate structures. Were they "home" to me or just a place to sleep and cry and mull over life? Were they places to put my clothes, or to bear my heart? Is it where my dogs were? Where I played my music? Where friends and family came to see me? The place I came home to after work or sat in while I made decisions that would affect the rest of my life and the rest of my family? Here are some online definitions I looked up:

*one's place of residence

*the social unit formed by a family living together

*familiar or usual setting, congenial environment

*a place of origin

*a place where something began and flourished

*an environment offering affection and security

Looking further at the idiom "Home is where the heart is", I found this:

"You use this proverb to say that you are with the person or at the place you love the most".

Is it a place you run to, or run from? Can you have more than one home, or feel "at home" in more than one place?  Is home just a feeling of acceptance and comfort ability? Is it a place where you can be fully yourself and if so ARE you fully yourself there? I found a definition from a soldier that said "home is where you hang your helmet. Home is where you send your soul for safekeeping." Maya Angelou says "The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned." If that is true, then home is IN us... and in those others that we invite INside of us. So many "homes" are broken, dysfunctional, hectic, non-caring, non-secure, hellish places to reside....to hang your hat, to keep your heart! If the heart is indicative of the inner being, then inside your own self is where "home" truly is! Home is not a location but a commitment to the ones I love. And I DO. So. Being the proud owner of 2 houses, and being a vagabond for the past 6 months, not knowing WHERE my home will eventually BE, I am still able to say to myself and those I love, welcome "home".

p.s. I had a GREAT time with my family...I felt at "home" in each house...thank you all for the acceptance you provide to us, the love that you give, the people that you are and are comfotable being around us....I hope we will always be a "home" to you....

p.s.s. check out some germany pics in my flicker!

Everythings gonna be fine fine fine....cuz I got one hand in my pocket

And yet another C.S. dribble...he  has always been and will always be one of my top authors to read...in this, you can see one reason why...his description of pain is universal...it is hopeful, as I am, in what CAN be. 

"All arguments in justification of suffering provoke bitter resentment against the author. You would like to know how I behave when I am experiencing pain, not writing books about it. You need not guess, for I will tell you; I am a great coward. But what is that to the purpose? When I think of pain - of anxiety that gnaws like fire and loneliness that spreads out like a desert, and the heartbreaking routine of monotonous misery, or  again of dull aches that blacken our whole landscape or sudden nauseating pains that knock a man's heart out at one blow, of pains that seem already intolerable and then are suddenly increased, of infuriating scorpion-stinging pains that startle into maniacal movement a man who seemed half dead with his previous tortures - it 'quite o'ercrows my spirit'.(shakespeare)  If I knew any way of escape I would crawl through sewers to find it. But what is the good of telling you about my feelings? You know them already: they are the same as yours. I am not arguing that pain is not painful. Pain hurts. That is what the word means. I am only trying to show that the old Christian doctrine of being made "perfect through suffering" is not incredible. To prove it palatable is beyond my design. 

God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

Is there anyone out there in blogblog land who has escaped pain? If so, better pinch yourself, you might be a mere mirage.  If you have not escaped pain, did you not LEARN from it? If not, better kick yourself in the arss, you might be a moron.  Like I quoted in the last blog from the same author, " the pains you give me are more precious than all other gain". Rick and I have said to eachother and everyone else, that these past 6 months of exquisite pain we would not trade for anything else this world can give us. We have learned so much in a short time that could only have been done this way. Time is fleeting by and we, all of us, have so much to learn...or, we live in a clouded faerie planet. Like a shirt I saw said, "In my world everyone is a pony, eats rainbows and poops butterflies." What did YOU have for breakfast?!

As the Ruin Falls......

"All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.

I've never had a selfless thought since I was born.

I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through!

I want God, you, all friends merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure are the goals I seek,

I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin!

I talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -

but, self imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me, but how late my lack,

I see the chasm. And everything you are was making my heart into a bridge

by which I might get back from exile a grown man....

but now the bridge is breaking....

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. 

The pains you give me are more precious than all other gains."

C.S.Lewis

As this "ruin" of my past life  has crumbled....I must, indeed look "forward" to what lies ahead....because for ANY of us, that is also where hope lies...there is no hope in the past, only memories...good and bad, but what can you build on memories except perhaps warnings.....to you , to others....so I "take heed" lest I fall...into traps, into expectations, into theories, into behaviour and thoughts that drag me backwards.....nope, nope, I will look forward...in hope....to the future....with the experience of the past, the pains of the past, the devestations of the past to motivate and monitor the future....for ME, as a person who is, on some level, worthy of a future of joy.  Joy vs. happiness....next blog....after this move....I may have some time to get settled before I may have to move again. Then, I always DID want to be a gypsy!!!!!  Life is good. Life is what we make it and take for ourselves. Life is a HOUSE. "Not all who wander are lost". J.R.R.Tolkien

K Peeps.....

Here we go...FYI....enjoy...I hope I do....love you all...

16-Vienna

17-Melk

18-Passau, Germany

19-Regensburg

20-Kelheim/Dietfurt

21-Danube canal/Nurnberg, Bavaria

22-Bammberg,Germany

23-Wurzburg

24-Wertheim

25-Miltenberg/Frankfurt

26-Mainz

27-Koblenz

28-Cologne

29-Amsterdam

30-HOME!!!

Shaloam

p.s. Text to me, but don't call cuz it cost more to call than text!!!

"Well, well, well...Oh well" as John would say....

Thats John Lennon for those who are not hip to the 60's. I am doing a blog, Rick is sleeping on my/our couch in my/our rent house....after a hard 2 days work packing Ricks/our Catoosa house and moving stuff to my/ricks/our new house. Yep. We are the proud owner of 2 houses now and proud to be able to rent yet another house at the same time....anyone need a vacation place to stay? We got houses.....It has been for the past 102 days/3 & 1/2 months, a strange out of body type experience...and the ride ain't over yet ..... Rick and I have spent the last month finally communicating...in different ways...being as different a person as we each can be at this point....and it does pay off in the long run, for good or for bad...at least you know where the other one is standing....ya know, I could ramble on here for days and no one would still ever quite "get" what we are doing, how we are changing, how it affects our relationship, if it is indeed working....because obviously, WE are the only ones IN this relationship.....suffice it to say that "every day, in every way, we are getting better and better"....as unique individuals and as a unique and individual couple....growing in places we only dreamed of growing, building things we only ever dreamt of building, being what we never imagined we could be....for ourselves, for our God, for eachother and for those we love, who somehow will benifit from our lousy mistakes.....Please dear God in heaven, pay attention to each others lives and learn...something....how TO  live or how NOT to live, doesn't matter, just learn something....if I had to do ANY of this over again, I would....the heartache that made me want to die, the pain of loss that not many can understand, only those who have lost their best friend on earth have even a deeper pain than I have had....I would relive the trauma, the trial, the absolute turmoil in my life, I would ,for real, do it again....for all I have learned in these past dreary days, has and will BE well worth it .....because it has made ME a better person. Period. The end.

p.s. thanks to those that have prayed for us, thought about us, cared for us, worried for us...we are FAR from where we need to go, but we do at last have a little light on our path....please keep up which ever one of these you were doing...we need it.

evanescenes-my immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Ben Harper....

"I've heard your parting lines, can only say goodbye so many times before you have nothing to show for your pain. Sorry is a word you just can't seem to find. Does it ever enter your mind? I am in doubt that you are about to change. Now if your heart isn't in it, won't you go and let me live again? You can't just say 'I love you',  you have to LIVE 'I love you' .  I will forgive every time but the last.  I wish I could find a way to sing the life back into you and I, but now I'm afraid that it's just too late to lie."

George......

Our neighbor and friend died yesterday at the age of 39 from a heart attack.  He was a great neighbor...excited about my chickens....loved osu.....loved his new girlfriend of 3 weeks....went through a bad divorce and yet we watched that change him for the better.....he golfed 3 or more days a week (walking the course) and he had just taken up bicycle riding .....he had just come home from a ride and was taking a shower when he keeled over....they had to life flight him...my friend Tammy's husband helped to try to revive him ( he is a catoosa firefighter)....they landed the chopper on the other side of the pond while the neighbors and friends watched his lifeless and white body be taken out of his home....the one he built....the one he would play with his longtime companion Katie out in his front yard with.....retrieving balls he would hit with his tennis racket....every day.....he helped his 80 year old dad work his farm all the time...cutting hay and castrating cattle (which I just a month ago got the run down on the how to's of THAT. yuk.)....a good guy, good neighbor, a good friend to many, and the principal of the only middle school in catoosa...no kids....only parents....

And then the neighbor to the south killed 2 of his family members before he killed himself in his house....and then there is Rick....who has done his own dastardly deed of betrayal by killing our marriage...strange how things in life are hooked together.....rest in peace George....

Amen Omen

Can have so many more meanings (than when Luke posted them)....as can the Bible.....our own words to eachother....words spoken in truth, in lies, in love and in hate....so many ways our words can touch, tear, heal, help, hinder....and we are so mindless about them....even to ourselves, our own words can have so many effects on our mind and soul.....watch your words folks....watch your thoughts...watch your actions....pay attention to your life....feed it with good food that brings light into it and not darkness....so easy to fall and so much harder to get up....too philosophical huh?!! Oh well....thats me....and as John Candy said in TRAINS PLANES AND AUTOMOBILES, " I like me!"

Ciao and peace

Mercy Me - Homesick (Live)

Or perhaps this one....

My take on this election

Growing sucks sometimes.....

Well, today I want to let it all hang out....go figure....highly unlike me heh? Anyway, about my children, ALL of them..from grands to daughters to sons.....I miss them. ALL. Always. Everyday. When I visit my friend Cindy and she has the privilege of keeping her grandson everyday, to the daughters and mothers who came to the shop yesterday in preparation for their prom, to the daydreams I have about shopping with daughtersinlaws and having a leisurely conversation over a cup of coffee with my sons,  I freakin miss my family!

I can allow myself to get bitter, which I have done(doesn't work by the way) over the fact that BOTH my parents and Ricks were blessed(sometimes I hate that word, this is a time) to actually have been in the same city as their grandchildren and were privileged to be able to participate in their lives and that I am NOT "blessed" in the same way. OR, I can cry through the pain that occurs each and every time I leave them and come home, and re-enter and make my own life, which I have done. I have gotten a part time job, volunteer at hospice and draw dying people, go to my therapist, and party with neighbors and friends. This helps draw my attention away from the fact I miss my kids, but like everything else in this world that we use to numb the pain of life, it only has a temporary effect. The thoughts come and go, linger sometimes, but life goes on...oh blah de, oh blah da.....we do the best we can with what we have. The DREAM I have of EVER living close to my children seems to fade with time and circumstance. Denver...we fluctuate....we want to be near our children so badly that there  are times we are willing to sacrifice our marriage and all we have worked HARD over these last 10 year to accomplish relationally to eachother, to actually move there and allow Rick, a workaholic, to throw himself into the lions den of corporate. Like having an alcoholic have his dream job behind a bar! But there are times, we know it would not be right to sacrifice the great things we have accomplished in our relationship for anything or anyone....and THAT my dear children, is the heartbreak....it seems, at least at this point, we are not able to have our cake (our relationship) and eat it to (be in denver). Sucks. Stinks. But ahhhh...such is life!

I want to "air" these thoughts, because I think until it happens to you, you have NO IDEA of what it is like....for any circumstance in life....to loose a job, a child, a spouse, a home, a friend, none of us can know until it happens to us, what the true pain would be. We can empathize but not fully realize until we experience it in our souls. I try not to whine about this fact of heart, but I think because I don't, sometimes others just think that it really doesn't bother me, when in fact just the opposite is true....I don't whine to my children because I want NO guilt trips. I don't whine to my friends because that is annoying. I don't whine to Rick because he can not do anything about it. I whine to God...my tears, my torn heart, my insane dreams, He hears it all....and that is enough....even here, in this forum, I could let go much more, but what good would it accomplish to do so....fact is, I miss my children like a man coming from war wounded, misses his limb....I too am a veteran....a veteran mother...fought a good fight for my children...lost a limb ( or or 10) in the process, but would not change one single thing about loosing them....the phantom limb left behind is sometimes painful, but like a soldier, I am proud of my kids and who they are and what all they ALL have accomplished, girls, you too.....and would do it all over the same way....ya know why?!! Because none of my boys are mommas boys....they don't have wives who have to fight for their attention over their mother in law....who have to stand back while thier mother in law does as she pleases in their lives or their homes....their wives don't have to be annoyed at my presence....because I LET THEM GO...encouraged them to do so....because I knew the damage first hand, of NOT doing so....I lived it and didn't want that for my sons or their beautiful wives....they are their own family....and I am proud of them all....but never forget the fact, that underneath all the pride, there is a pain...I am willing to live with .....for myself and Rick that we can be who we need to be....and for my children, for them to be who they need to be....growing....sucks sometimes......

p.s. the above stated fact "not mommas boys", does NOT, I repeat, DOES NOT mean those boys are perfect....far from it, as are we all, but mommas boys does NOT describe them...other words, perhaps ( i won't say them here!), but not M.B's!!! 

Apocolypitc.....

"And a Man sat alone, drenched deep in sadness. And all the animals drew near to him and said, "We do not like to see you so sad.  Ask us for whatever you wish and you shall have it." The Man said, "I want to have good sight." The vulture replied, " You shall have mine." The Man said "I want to be strong." The jaguar said, "You shall be strong like me." Then the Man said, "I long to know the secrets of the earth." The serpent replied, "I will show them to you." And so it went with all the animals. And when the Man had all the gifts that they could give, he left. Then the owl said to the other animals, "Now the Man knows much, he'll be able to do many things. Suddenly I am afraid. " The deer said, "The Man has all that he needs. Now his sadness will stop. " But the owl replied, "No. I saw a hole in the Man, deep like a hunger he will never fill. It is what makes him sad and what makes him want. He will go on taking and taking, until one day the World will say, 'I am no more and I have nothing left to give.'"

More out there....

There is so much more great musicians out there than we will ever hear...not everyone of them are trying out for the IDOL!! Heres one...check him out...he's good in my opinion!!! Cheers!

HE IS RISEN!

He is risen INDEED!

GOOD?

I never understood what was so "good" about this Friday?!! The Friday that they killed my Jesus!! It has only been in the last 10 years that I have even begun to start to grasp the "goodness" of this day. That is the day, after all, that God allowed His own son to die! Try to get your mind around THAT concept! Allowing the child that is part of you, that you love beyond words, die. Not only having to watch someone hurt your child, but actually WATCH them being killed. Well, even HE couldn't watch it. If you believe the bible, and I do, then you see that even God could not watch at the last. It turned dark. He had to look away. Yes, He "knew" His son would be with Him in heaven soon, but it NEVER takes away the moment of pain to know the brightness of the future. God hurt and turned. Jesus cried and felt abandoned by His own father. Just give it one moments thought. When my God allows pain in my life and I have doubts that He even relates to me in this regard, I only have to see that I have NEVER had to sacrifice my sons, or those I love. I realize He suffered, so why should I or the world be spared this painful part of life. So, why is it so "good"? Because the "why" is so good! For me. For the world. For us, He allowed His son to die. He allowed Himself, and His son, and those who loved His son, to suffer the pain of losing someone in death. To feel the deepest pain known to man, He allowed Himself to feel this kind of pain,  for us. So that not only would His son come back to live with Him again, but all His sons friends would be able to come to. And not just for a sleep over, but for an eternity. And not just for a "pie-in-the-sky" eternity we can't see and don't even comprehend, but for God to allow my Jesus to be with me today, in the present. In my pain. In my sorrow. So that I can have Him with me. To love me when I don't feel loved, to comfort me when I am in pain, to be my closest friend when all mine are too busy. To help me every day with the smallest and largest issues in my life. To be my breath TODAY, not just in the future. And THAT, my dear blogging world IS GOOD!!!!

Changes - Presidential Candidates feat. Bowie

Flu season....

I have been privey to the famous flu bug this past week...2 days and 3 nights in the bed writhing in pain felt to the bottom of your bones....have eaten 1/2 sleeve of crackers and 1/2 bottle of grape juice in the past 50 plus hours...felt like someone named Goliath standing on my stomach...vile things better left unmentioned spuing from either end uncontrolably....and now Ricky has started his round this morning...as in any great marriage, we share everything...except now I have decided to NOT share his bedroom....me and the dogs are in the back room hunkered down waiting for the first fatal part to blow over....or out I should say.....All this just as I blasted the flu shot on Todd's blog....What a great way to spend a weekend!!!

"In times of sickness the soul collects itself anew.""

Great music, Great acting, Great film....

This is a really great movie! The music is good, the acting was great, the story was gripping! Dad and I are a little, or perhaps VERY, behind on our movie watching, but we recommend this one for sure. See it. Feel it.

WARNING LABEL:there is good bad and ugly contained herein and forthwith

So much to say and so little space to say it in....that is why, dear children, there are boxes of journals for your reading pleasure when I am gone....much to your dismay...or perhaps you could just burn them, because it won't really matter then...I'll be gone and you won't have time or energy or desire to spill over my lurid past life...."the sky is falling, the sky is falling"....been doing artwork for a hospice here in t-town....guess it kinda gets me to thinking about life (as if I already didn't!) and death (ditto!) and how little we know eachother really....so far I have drawn portraits of 2 women, one in her 80's another 97...and been thinkin about what lives they have led and how no one really cares about them as they lay there in their nursing home room....how no one will ever have really known them because it wasn't important or they were too busy till it was too late, or they just didn't give a shit....either way, the point is to KNOW people! Dear God in heaven!!! Why are we here if not to care?!!! What is the point!!??? Will someone please tell me so I can STOP caring so much?!! I got a call this week from a friend of a friend of my moms asking me to come and visit with my old pastor who has been diagnosed with liver cancer and has alzhiemers on top of it...this is a man who was a large part of my teen years...my best friends father, my pastor, a friend, the only form of counseling I ever had....anyway, he told his wife that he saw me there in his room and wanted to talk to me, how much he had always liked having me around...I haven't seen him in decades....but he was asking to see me...so I go...with the hope that I can bring just a little joy to this one who touched my life long ago...to perhaps do his portrait, although they know nothing about what work I have been doing for hospice and art....a small window of opportunity to make someone happy....to make myself happy....but untill we pay attention to our lives, and live in the here and now, these opportunities will pass us right by without us even knowing they existed....as I have done for most of my life....you want to know how it feels to get old, to have wisdom, to gain some understanding about life after having lived it for more than a half century??? Well, it is the old ying yang ....good/bad, I feel GREAT that at least right now, I think I am getting it, but bad that it has taken so long and come at the END of my life rather than the begining....so go, children, into this stinking world and do what you can to CARE, about yourself, your family, and others.....politcs? yeah, whatever, I know we need to know, but prioritize your life...get off the mindless media morph and into L-I-F-E! yeah, i know it matters, but so many other things do as well and i don't see people getting riled up about those things!! To each his own...."carpe deim!!"
Carpe diem is a phrase from a Latin poem by Horace. It is popularly translated as "seize the day", although a more literal translation of carpe would be "harvest" ("harvest the day"), as in the harvesting of fruit.

Logan, the Sky Angel Cowboy

Believe it or not....I do

LIFE

Do you THINK about life or do you just LIVE it? If either, what and why, explain.