Hope

Something I hope to do in my life.....well, there are too many things to even begin to think! I want to be the best grandma EVER, I want to have the best marriage EVER....I want to draw pictures without second guessing myself....I want to have self confidence....I want to see, hear, touch and smell EVERYTHING that comes my way....I want to live long enough to do these things, but not too long so as to be a burden...I want to help people like others have helped me....I want to visit Malta, Italy, Sicily, Spain, England and Iceland....Is this too much?!!! I have lived over half of my alotted time here on this earth, and have wasted way the heck too much of it! I want to live every day to its very fullest and enjoy every minute. I want to learn so much! And there is so much I wish I had learned at a younger age....it would have made these latter years more palatable. Live and learn....Carpe Dieum....Here and Now.

hmmmm....

Okay...I started this thing and by golly, I am determined to finish it.....someday. #4....I have to LIVE forgiveness with my husband every day....I say LIVE forgiveness, because when the person who is suppose to love you the most, hurts you the most, it must be lived and not a one time thing. When trust is gone, forgiveness must be lived in the now. It is never ending. It goes forward and does not stop. We have been married for 38 years, but have only truly loved each other in a healthy way for a mere year and a half. A hell of a ride, and a living forgiveness was a must during our separation. So...my final answer....Rick!

Oh dear....

Soooooooooo many things come to mind on #3.....but to choose one, I think the first thing that comes to mind is to forgive myself for not being perfect....the perfect wife....the perfect mom.....friend, daughter, sister, aunt....yup, that pretty much sums it up in a really tight nutshell. Mostly being such a rigid mom....raising my boys in fear of failing, I failed. Well, in my own mind anyway..they turned out pretty good as a matter of fact, despite the young, crazy, over religious mom they were given. Many regrets there that I will not go into, but you get the gist of the thing....but I have to choose today to live here and not there...to go forward and not look back except to learn from it....I have learned that I can actually CHOOSE to live my life in the present and the now with full capacity and enjoy every second....I don't have many left and I don't want to waste one more.

Oooooooo.....

Look at me!! I am answering the next ? on the next day!! WoooHoo!! Well....don't get use to it all you millions of people out there that hang on my every word!! ROLMFAO!!! Now....to be serious....if only for a moment....
Which is the answer to ?#2 "what do you love about yourself"? I love the fact that I am diverse. I can be stupid and fun, serious and intelligent, melancholy and overwhelmed with feelings, I can be a pain in the ass and the one you love the most at the same time! Reminds me of that Alanis Morrissette song EVERYTHING.
"I'm the funniest woman you've ever known.
I am the dullest woman you've ever known.
I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes."

A living breathing oxymoron. It can be confusing, even to me, but it is what makes me not be bored with myself or the life around me. There is always a different way to look at something....a different facet of the same diamond. Like John Candy said " I like me"! All of my parts are essential in the whole.

Ummmm....

Well, as you can tell, I did not start this journey right away....I will also NOT answer these questions on a daily basis...I will be doing well to finish them at all, but I do want to give it a try. So....numero uno es....
"Something I hate about myself"....well, I have spent many years and as many dollars in therapy to do the opposite of hating myself, but for this exercise I will look over all I have learned about self loathing....I hate the fact that I love too much. There. I said it. I think over loving is dangerous to my soul (to quote my friend)....it tends to lead me down the path that it will be reciprocated and that is not always the case. I feel at times, like a puppy who just sits and wags its tail waiting for a glance, or a pat on the head, or even dare to believe a ball will actually be tossed for me to play with. I think I am loved, but perhaps not in the way my June Cleaver head dreams it would be like. I am learning though....I am opening my eyes beyond my Cleaver mind and seeing that because we are not all alike, we do not love alike, we do not dream alike, we do not look alike and that is how it should be. Hmmmm...come to think of it, perhaps it is the expectation of that love reciprocated that is the real culprit heh? And then, as always, I have to be the one who does this for myself....to start by loving myself, regardless of others....a life lived in co-dependency is not fertile ground for cultivating this concept, but this too can and will change. It already has......